~  Coffee Break 84 ~ December 4, 2006   Welcome to Coffee Break, We hope the Christmas spirit has captured your heart as it has mine. Our Christmas page is now open and packed with the Christmas spirit.  And, it's waiting to rub off on you, dear friends. We love for you to participate in our  Coffee Break.  So, send us your jokes, trivia, things to ponder, tips and items that are noteworthy.  Ho, Ho, Ho ...  Joanne Your San Francisco Bay Area Real Estate Broker ... and Public Service Announcements Gift Card Scam ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim Ward   Crooks have found a way to rob you of your gift card balance.    If you buy Gift Cards from a display rack that has various store cards you may become a victim of theft.  Crooks are now jotting down the card numbers in the store and then wait a few days and call to see how much of a balance THEY have on the card.    Once they find the card is "activated", they go online and start shopping. You may want to purchase your card from a customer service person, where they do not have the Gift Cards viewable to the public.     Realism Exhibit   Featuring Original Paintings by Debbie Wardrope, Magdalene Chan, Marcia Ritz, and Gerald Rough Show dates: November 2nd to December 7th 2006   Adobe Art Center Gallery 20395 San Miguel Avenue, Castro Valley, CA (510) 881-6736   Gallery Hours: Monday—Wednesday:   9:00 AM to 4:00 PM Thursday-Saturday:   11:00 AM to 3:00 PM   Visit Debbie Wardrope's site    Now, this weeks Goodies ... A Fish Story ~ Thanks to Mr. John Lopez A Texas redneck was stopped by a game warden in East Texas recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" "Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" "Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim' round for a while.  Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home." "That's a bunch of BS!  Fish can't do that!" The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works." "Okay, I've GOT to see this!" The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" said the redneck. "When are you going to call them back?" "Call who back?" "The FISH!" "What fish?"   Oh, Oh! ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim Knudsen   A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub ... She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he gasped. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."    Pea story ~ Thanks to Ms. Juanita Whiteside Babs Miller was bagging some early potatoes for me. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily appraising a basket of freshly picked green peas. I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller and the ragged boy next to me.   "Hello Barry, how are you today?"   "H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them  peas. Sure look good."   "They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?"   "Fine. Gittin' stronger all da' time."   "Good. Anything I can help you with?"   "No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas."   "Would you like to take some home?"   "No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with."   "Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?"   "All I got's my prize marble here."   "Is that right? Let me see it."   "Here 'tis. She's a dandy."   "I can see that. Hmmmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?"   "Not zackley. but almost."   "Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble."   "Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller."   Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me. With a smile she said, "There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever. When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, perhaps."   I left the stand smiling to myself, impressed with this man. A short time later I moved to Colorado but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering.   Several years went by, each more rapid that the previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died. They were having his viewing that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them. Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.   Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts ... all very professional looking.   They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband's casket. Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket.   Her misty light blue eyes followed them as one by one; each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.   Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and mentioned the story she had told me about the marbles. With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.   "Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about. They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim "traded" them. Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size ... they came to pay their debt."   "We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world," she confided, "but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho "   With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.   Moral: We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds.   Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath.   Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles ... A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself, an unexpected phone call from an old friend, green stoplights on your way to work, the fastest line at the grocery store, a good sing-along song on the radio and, your keys right where you left them.   Christmas Joke ~ Thanks to Ms. Florence Pierson Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.  "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.  He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "you may pass through the pearly gates." The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "These are Carols." And So The Holiday Season Begins ...     Cowboy Boots ~ Thanks to Garrison Keillor's Newsletter Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her Kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em." Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots." Why men's letters don't get printed ~ Thanks to Ms. Linda Bruton Dear Abby, I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer? Thanks, Daniel   Kids ~ Thanks to Mr. Tracy DeBiaso A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids ... "WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???" "Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma, sighs having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats. "Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up.  I'll need all your children's names." "This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all b oys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy! "All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?" Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin.' An 'if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy." The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?" "I call them by their last names."   How To Correctly Weigh Yourself ~ Thanks to Ms. Sandra Freitas Glad I finally learned this! I can't believe I was doing it wrong all these years.    Secret to a Long Marriage ~ Thanks to Ms. Barbara Jones With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.  The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions." The minister inquired trips to where? "For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China." The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?" Brother Ralph:  "I'm going to go get her."   Retirement Dinner ~ Thanks to Ms. Florence Pierson A Catholic priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.  I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people." Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession." Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE   Damn Bank ~ Thanks to Ms. Barbara Jones A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must  have misunderstood you.  What did you say?" "Listen up.  Damn it.  I said I want to open a damn checking account now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this Bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in the damn bank." "I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"     Picture of the Week - Thanks to Mr. Jim Knudsen Modern Day Ice Age I hope you enjoyed this week's Coffee Break. Your comments and suggestion are always welcome.  When you come across something funny or informative and in good taste, please send it along.  I would love to include it with your name and our thanks.  Have a good week! Joanne Your San Francisco Bay Area Real Estate Broker Joanne L. Gardiner, Broker, e-PRO Realtor Advantage Realty Advantage Mortgage Associates 3205 Whipple Road Union City, California 94587 (510) 429-4800 San Francisco Bay Area ~ San Francisco East Bay Real Estate web site: http://www.joannegardiner.com    Our primary services in the San Francisco Bay Area are: East bay real estate,  Hayward real estate, Castro Valley real estate,  Danville real estate, Dublin real estate, Fremont real estate,  Newark real estate, Niles real estate, Pleasanton real estate, San Leandro real estate, San Lorenzo real estate, San Ramon real estate, Sunol real estate and Union City real estate. Peninsula real estate, Palo Alto real estate, Foster City real estate, San Mateo real estate, San Carlos real estate, Burlingame real estate, Belmont real estate, Half Moon Bay real estate Types of real estate in which we specialize:  houses, condominiums, townhomes, garden homes, PUDs, single family homes, mobile homes, module homes, duets, residential income property, duplexes, tri-plexes, four-plexes, small apartment complexes and special use properties.

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