~  Coffee Break 83~ November 19, 2006   May this Thanksgiving be happy and healthy for you and your family.  Be sure to see our Thanksgiving page and our Cyber Kitchen.  Both are filled with intersting and fun things. And, we have some very luscious recipes for the Thanksgiving holiday that you just shouldn't miss.   We love for you to participate in our Coffee Break.  So, send us your jokes, trivia, things to ponder, tips and items that are noteworthy.  Take care and again, Happy Thanksgiving, Joanne Your San Francisco Bay Area Real Estate Broker   Public Service Announcements Realism Exhibit   Featuring Original Paintings by Debbie Wardrope, Magdalene Chan, Marcia Ritz, and Gerald Rough Show dates: November 2nd to December 7th 2006   Adobe Art Center Gallery 20395 San Miguel Avenue, Castro Valley, CA (510) 881-6736   Gallery Hours: Monday—Wednesday:   9:00 AM to 4:00 PM Thursday-Saturday:   11:00 AM to 3:00 PM Visit Debbie Wardrope's site    Now, this weeks Goodies ... Religious Horse ~ Thanks to Prairie Home Companion A man sold a religious horse. He explained to the buyer that since it was a religious horse, you had to say "Amen" to make the horse stop and say "Praise the Lord" to make the horse go. The buyer got on the horse and said "Praise the Lord" and the horse started trotting. "Praise the Lord" he said again and the horse began galloping. "Praise the Lord" a third time and the horse ran even faster. Suddenly, just up ahead was a cliff — "Whoa! Stop!" The rider yelled, but the horse kept running. "Amen!" he finally remembered. The horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff. The buyer took off his hat, wipped his brow, and said, "Praise the Lord!"    Clerk Problem In a department store, Sandra and a patient clerk were having a hard time getting together. Nothing the clerk provided was suitable. Finally, Sandra said in annoyance, "Can't you find a smarter clerk to serve me?" "No," said the saleswoman. "The smarter clerk saw you coming and left."   Garfield's Thanksgiving Greeting   Wisdom ~ Thanks to Ms. Florence Pierson When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis.     Prison Cupboards Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden knew that, deep down, Andy was a good person. So, the warden made arrangements for the inmate to learn a trade while doing his time. Some three years later, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often, he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community. And he always reported back to prison by early Sunday evening. Andy was a model inmate. One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen, though he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large countertop. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to do the job for him. To the warden's surprise, Andy simply refused to help. "But you're an expert, Andy, and I really need your help," said the warden. "Well, warden, I'd really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."   Nurse's Thanksgiving   Never Question a Drunk ~ Thanks to Mr. John Lopez A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.  While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."   Donald Duck Thanksgiving     The Three Little Pigs ~ Thanks to Ms. Florence Pierson Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order. "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy. "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy. The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner. "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy. "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy. The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. "I want a banana split," said the first piggy. "I want a root beer float," said the second piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy. "Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "But why have you only ordered beer all evening?" You're gonna LOVE me for this ... The third piggy says - "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!   Snoopy and Woodstock Thanksgiving     When Insults Had Class ~ Thanks to Ms. Barbara Jones      "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."  -- Winston Churchill     "A modest little person, with much to be modest about."  -- Winston Churchill (about Clement Attlee)     "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."  -- Clarence Darrow     "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."  -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)     "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"  -- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)     "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."  -- Moses Hadas     "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."  -- Abraham Lincoln     "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."  -- Groucho Marx     "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."  -- Mark Twain     "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."  -- Oscar Wilde     "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new Play, bring a friend... if you have one."  -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill     "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...if there is one."  -- Winston Churchill, in response     "I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."  -- Stephen Bishop     "He is a self-made man and worships his creator."  -- John Bright     "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."  -- Irvin S. Cobb     "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."  -- Samuel Johnson     "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."  -- Paul Keating     "He had delusions of adequacy."  -- Walter Kerr     "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."  -- Jack E. Leonard     "He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."  -- Robert Redford     "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."  -- Thomas Brackett Reed     "He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."  -- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)     "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."  -- Charles, Count Talleyrand     "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."  -- Forrest Tucker     "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"  -- Mark Twain     "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."  -- Mae West     "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."  -- Oscar Wilde     "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support rather than illumination."  -- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)     "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."  -- Billy Wilder   Oh, Oh ... Times are Changing ~ Thanks to Ms. Florence Pierson Let's see if I understand how the world works lately ... If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant. If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company. If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender. If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television. If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer. And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline. I must have lived too long to understand the world anymore. So, if I die while my old, wrinkled body is parked in front of this computer, I want all of you to blame Bill Gates ... okay?   The Truth ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim Knudsen Tow Request The minister's car wouldn't start and so he called the garage to come and tow it in for repairs. When the truck driver appeared at his house to get the car, the minister says, "I hope you go easy on me. You know I'm only a poor preacher." "I know," replied the tow truck driver... "I've heard you preach."   Last One Comeback A widow, recently married to a widower, was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked, "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?" "Oh, not any more," the other woman replied. "What stopped him?" asked the first. "I started talking about my next husband," replied the second woman.   Dating As a single, never-married woman in my 40s, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by my friends, relatives, and co-workers. Over the years, I've noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries. In my teens, friends would ask, "Who are you going out with this weekend?" In my 20s, relatives would say, "Who are you dating?" In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, "So, are you dating anyone yet ?" Now people ask, "Where did you get that adorable purse?"   Picture of the Week - Thanks to Ms. Florence Pierson Albino Peacock I hope you enjoyed this week's Coffee Break. Your comments and suggestion are always welcome.  When you come across something funny or informative and in good taste, please send it along.  I would love to include it with your name and our thanks.  Have a good week! Joanne Your San Francisco Bay Area Real Estate Broker Joanne L. Gardiner, Broker, e-PRO Realtor Advantage Realty Advantage Mortgage Associates 3205 Whipple Road Union City, California 94587 (510) 429-4800 San Francisco Bay Area ~ San Francisco East Bay Real Estate web site: http://www.joannegardiner.com    Our primary services in the San Francisco Bay Area are: East bay real estate,  Hayward real estate, Castro Valley real estate,  Danville real estate, Dublin real estate, Fremont real estate,  Newark real estate, Niles real estate, Pleasanton real estate, San Leandro real estate, San Lorenzo real estate, San Ramon real estate, Sunol real estate and Union City real estate. Peninsula real estate, Palo Alto real estate, Foster City real estate, San Mateo real estate, San Carlos real estate, Burlingame real estate, Belmont real estate, Half Moon Bay real estate Types of real estate in which we specialize:  houses, condominiums, townhomes, garden homes, PUDs, single family homes, mobile homes, module homes, duets, residential income property, duplexes, tri-plexes, four-plexes, small apartment complexes and special use properties.

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