~  This Week's Goodies  ~ October 29, 2006   Greetings! I hope you enjoy this week's Coffee Break.  Remember, we love to have you participate, too.  Send us your jokes, trivia, things to ponder, tips and items that are noteworthy.  Take care, Joanne Your San Francisco Bay Area Real Estate Broker   Public Service Announcements Computer Virus Warnings ... Hardly a day goes by that I don't receive at least one warrning of a new computer virus.  Snopes has an interesting collection of viruses and myths about viruses.  Hope it saves your computer from being victimized:  Commputer Viruses Is Your Drinking Water Making You Sick? Our new Chloramine in drinking water page sheds light on the effects Chloramine has on your health.  If you have had problems like skin irritations, rashes, digestive and bowel disorders (irritable bowel syndrome), kidney stones, coughing, respiratory problems and don't know why, consider this; The water you're drinking and preparing your food with could be the root of your problems. Chloramine is now in many drinking water supplies across the nation.  Learn about its affects and what you can do to protect yourself.    Now, this weeks Goodies ... From U.S. Citizen to illegal alien  ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim Knudsen The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes 309 Hart Senate Office Building Washington DC, 20510 Dear Senator Sarbanes, As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you. My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stem from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out. Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005. Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year. Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as "instate" tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son. Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car. If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance. Your Loyal Constituent, Pete McGlaughlin   Classic comeback~ Thanks to Ms. Florence Pierson If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.  He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility ... Q: "Officer ... did you see my client fleeing the scene?" A: "No sir.  But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away." Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?" A: "The officer who responded to the scene." Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.  Do you trust your fellow officers?" A: "Yes, sir.  With my life." Q: "With your life?  Let me ask you this then officer.  Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?" A: "Yes sir, we do!" Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?" A: "Yes sir, I do." Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?" A: "Yes sir." Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?" A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room." The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.   A bit of history ~ Thanks to Mr.  John Lopez We should remember the origins, history and tradition of the uniforms worn with pride by military personnel around the world.  For example, a long time ago, Britain and France were at war.  During one battle, the French captured an English colonel. Taking him to headquarters, the French general began to question him.  Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked, "Why do you  English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know that red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?" In his bland English way, the colonel informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is: "If we are shot the blood won't show and the men we are leading won't panic."   And that is why, from that day onward, all French Army officers wear brown pants!   Mortuary ~ Thanks to Ms. Florence Pierson A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing. " The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check." There's no charge," he says. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says. "Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "It cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said It made no difference as long as he looked nice. So I switched the heads. Job Opening ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim Knudsen A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.  We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.  Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well ... you started it." Good Practical Tips ~ Thanks to Ms. Florence Pierson Reheat Pizza  Heat up leftover pizza in a non-stick skillet on top of the stove, set heat to med-low and heat till warm. This keeps the crust crispy.  No soggy micro pizza. I saw this on the cooking channel and it really works. -- Mona, Orlando, FL           Easy Deviled Eggs  Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag. Seal, mash till they are all  broken up. Add remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep mashing it up  mixing thoroughly, cut the tip of the baggy, squeeze mixture into  egg. Just throw bag away when done easy clean up.  -- Janet, Killeen, TX      Expanding Frosting  When you buy a container of cake frosting from the store, whip it with your mixer for a few minutes. You can double it in size. You get to frost more cake/cupcakes with the same amount. You also eat less sugar/calories per serving. -- Kathy, Mesick, MI       Reheating refrigerated bread To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in a microwave with a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food moist and help it reheat faster. -- Dave, Camden, DE       Newspaper weeds away Start putting in your plants, work the nutrients in your soil. Wet newspapers put layers around the plants overlapping as you go cover with mulch and forget about weeds. Weeds will get through some gardening plastic they will not get through wet newspapers.  -- Linda, Monmouth Jct., NJ       Broken Glass Use a dry cotton ball to pick up little broken glass pieces of glass- the fibers catch ones you can't see! -- Olive, Santee, CA      No More Mosquitoes  Place a dryer sheet in your pocket. It will keep the mosquitoes away. -- Diane, Moran, SC       Squirrel Away!  To keep squirrels from eating your plants sprinkle your plants with cayenne pepper. The cayenne pepper doesn't hurt the plant and the squirrels won't come near it. --   Kathy, Maumelle, AR       Bikes If you purchase a new bike for your child, place their picture inside the handle bar before placing the grips on. If the bike is stolen and later recovered, remove the grip and there is your proof who owns the bike. -- Janet, Carthage, IL       Flexible vacuum To get something out of a heat register or under the fridge add an empty paper towel roll or empty gift wrap roll to your vacuum. It can be bent or flattened to get in narrow openings. -- Donna, Anderson, SC        Reducing Static Cling Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a clingy skirt or dress. Same thing works with slacks that cling when wearing panty hose. Place pin in seam of slacks and - voila - static is gone. -- Pam, Maple Rapids, NH       Measuring Cups Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill it with hot water. Dump out the hot water, but don't dry the cup. Next, add your ingredient, such as peanut butter, and watch how easily it comes right out. -- Kim, Goldsboro, NC       Foggy Windshield?  Hate foggy windshields?  Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of your car.  When the windows fog, rub with the eraser!  Works better than a cloth! -- Alicia, Tampa, FL       Conditioner  Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It's a lot cheaper than shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth. It's also a  great way to use up the conditioner you bought but didn't like when you tried it in your hair.  -- Kerry, Canada,       Goodbye Fruit Flies      To get rid of pesky fruit flies, take a small glass fill it 1/2"  with Apple Cider Vinegar and 2 drops of dish washing liquid, mix well. You will find those flies drawn to the cup and gone forever! -- Barbra, Birch Run, MI       Get Rid of Ants Put small piles of cornmeal where you see ants. They eat it, take it  "home," & can't digest it so it kills them. It may take a week or so, ESP. If it rains, but it works & you don't have the worry about pets or small children being harmed! -- Teresa, Mitchell, SD       Take baby powder to the beach  Keep a small bottle of baby powder in your beach bag. When your ready to leave the beach sprinkle yourself and kids with the powder and the sand will slide right off your skin.    Picture of the Week - Thanks to Mr. Jim Knudsen I hope you enjoyed this week's Coffee Break. Your comments and suggestions are always welcome.  If you come across something funny or informative and in good taste, please send it along.  I would love to include it with your name and our thanks.  Have a good week! Joanne Your San Francisco Bay Area Real Estate Broker Joanne L. Gardiner, Broker, e-PRO Realtor Advantage Realty Advantage Mortgage Associates 3205 Whipple Road Union City, California 94587 (510) 429-4800 San Francisco Bay Area  San Francisco East Bay Real Estate web site: http://www.joannegardiner.com    Our primary services in the San Francisco Bay Area are: East bay real estate,  Hayward real estate, Castro Valley real estate,  Danville real estate, Dublin real estate, Fremont real estate,  Newark real estate, Niles real estate, Pleasanton real estate, San Leandro real estate, San Lorenzo real estate, San Ramon real estate, Sunol real estate and Union City real estate. Peninsula real estate, Palo Alto real estate, Foster City real estate, San Mateo real estate, San Carlos real estate, Burlingame real estate, Belmont real estate, Half Moon Bay real estate Types of real estate in which we specialize:  houses, condominiums, townhomes, garden homes, PUDs, single family homes, mobile homes, module homes, duets, residential income property, duplexes, tri-plexes, four-plexes, small apartment complexes and special use properties.

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