~  Coffee Break 78  ~ October 1, 2006 Greetings! I hope you enjoy this week's Coffee Break.  Remember, we love to have you participate, too.  Send us your jokes, trivia, things to ponder, tips and items that are noteworthy.  Take care, Joanne Your San Francisco Bay Area Real Estate Broker   Public Service Announcements Computer Virus Warnings ... Hardly a day goes by that I don't receive at least one warrning of a new computer virus.  Snopes has an interesting collection of viruses and myths about viruses.  Hope it saves your computer from being victimized:  Commputer Viruses Is Your Drinking Water Making You Sick? Our new Chloramine in drinking water page sheds light on the effects Chloramine has on your health.  If you have had problems like skin irritations, rashes, digestive and bowel disorders (irritable bowel syndrome), kidney stones, coughing, respiratory problems and don't know why, consider this; The water you're drinking and preparing your food with could be the root of your problems. Chloramine is now in many drinking water supplies across the nation.  Learn about its affects and what you can do to protect yourself.    Now, this weeks Goodies ... Fax From God  ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim Knudsen This is God.Today I will be handling All of your problems for you. I do Not need your help. So, have a nice day. I love you. P.S. And, remember ... If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do Not attempt to resolve it yourself! Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME. All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours.   Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now. If you find yourself stuck in traffic, don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege. Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of work for years. Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return. Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children. Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk. Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; Think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine. Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity. Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be one of them! Should you decide to send this to a friend; Thank you, you may have touched their life in ways you will never know! Now, you have a nice day, God   Perspective The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he went inside and told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found. Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand. "How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked. "We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."   The Blonde Cowboy ~ Thanks to Mr. Richard DeBiaso     The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this? The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff  ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts .. so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy ... And here I am."   Brother Review Arriving for a visit, a woman asked her small grand daughter, "How do you like your new baby brother?" "Oh, he's all right," the child shrugged. "But there were a lot of things we needed worse."   E-coli outbreak ~ Thanks to Ms. Florence Pierson Latest Victim of the Ecoli Outbreak      Pay Attention "If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say - talk in your sleep."   Domino Pool ~ Thanks to Mr. Richard DeBiaso Incredible!  Watch the video: Domino Pool   First Kiss ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim Knudsen and Sandra Freitas So, it's  your first kiss and several questions might come to  mind: Is  it the right time? Is  anyone watching? Does  your partner even want to? Is  your breath fresh? And  the big question... Should  you use some tongue? Then you lean in and just go for it!     Terrace Water My wife and I were having lunch at a fashionable eatery in Annapolis when we noticed what looked like a familiar face at the next table. Screwing up my courage, I asked, "Excuse me. Aren't you Marlin Fitzwater, the former White House press secretary?" "Yes, I am," he acknowledged, and graciously interrupted his lunch to talk to us. As we were leaving the restaurant, I remarked to the hostess, "Do you know you have Marlin Fitzwater on the terrace?" "I'm not sure about that," she replied, "but we have Perrier and Evian at the bar."   The Value of a Drink ~ Thanks to Mr.  John Lopez  The value of a drink explained by Cliff Clavin of the Cheers TV show. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."   Build It and They Will Come The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?" "Not at all," my son said. "When would be a good time?" she asked. My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."   Taps System During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "No," three taps meant "Yes," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."   Attitude ~ Thanks to Ms. Florence Pierson There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.  "Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today".  So she did and she had a wonderful day. The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.  "H-M-M, " she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today." So she did and she had a grand day. The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.  "Well," she said, "Today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail." So she did and she had a fun, fun day. The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.  "YEAH!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!" Attitude is everything.  Picture of the Week - Thanks to Mr. Jim Knudsen I hope you enjoyed this week's Coffee Break. Your comments and suggestions are always welcome.  If you come across something funny or informative and in good taste, please send it along.  I would love to include it with your name and our thanks.  Have a good week! Joanne Your San Francisco Bay Area Real Estate Broker Joanne L. Gardiner, Broker, e-PRO Realtor Advantage Realty Advantage Mortgage Associates 3205 Whipple Road Union City, California 94587 (510) 429-4800 San Francisco Bay Area  San Francisco East Bay Real Estate web site: http://www.joannegardiner.com    Our primary services on the San Francisco East Bay are:  Alameda County real estate and Contra Costa County real estate: Castro Valley real estate,  Danville real estate, Dublin real estate, Fremont real estate, Hayward real estate, Newark real estate, Oakland real estate, Pleasanton real estate, San Leandro real estate, San Lorenzo real estate, San Ramon real estate, Sunol real estate and Union City real estate.  Types of real estate in which we specialize: houses, condominiums, townhomes, garden homes, PUDs, single family homes, mobile homes, module homes, duets, residential income property, duplexes, tri-plexes, four-plexes, small apartment complexes and special use properties.

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