~  Coffee Break 75  ~ September 10, 2006 We're Back! It is so good to be here with you again.  The heartwarming emails we've received have been very much appreciated.  It is good to know so many of you enjoy taking a break with us and that you've missed us.  Thanks for all the jokes you have sent while we were away.  You'll be seeing them here today and in the coming weeks. We have three special announcements we hope you will take time to stop and read before scrolling down to the jokes.  Is the water you're drinking safe? Fly your flag tomorrow September 11th, the 5th anniversay of the horrible 9-11tragedy We ask that you take a moment to send one of the many postcards children have made to our troops to say thanks. I hope you enjoy this week's Coffee Break.  Remember, we love to have you participate, too.  Send us your jokes, trivia, things to ponder, tips and items that are noteworthy.  Take care, Joanne Your San Francisco Bay Area Real Estate Broker   Public Service Announcement Is Your Drinking Water Safe? Our new Chloramine in drinking water page is intended to shed light on the effects that Chloramine has on your health.  If you have had changes in your health since February, 2004 when Chloramine was added to bay area water systems and don't know why, the water you're drinking and preparing your food with could be the root of your problems.  Problems like skin irritations, rashes, digestive and bowel disorders (irritable bowel syndrome), kidney stones, coughing, respiratory problems and many other symptoms seem to be linked to the amount of Ammonia that is now in our drinking water.  Yes, Ammonia.  You see, Chloramine, which is in almost all bay area drinking water is a combination of Chlorine and Ammonia.  Small amounts of Ammonia have been used by many water districts in this nation since the early 1900's.  However, that use has been limited to very small dosages to improve the taste of water.  However, in recent years larger amounts of Ammonia were added to Chlorine, making a Chloramine that is raising concerns that our health may be at risk.   Chloramine is now in many areas across the nation.  Learn about its affects and what you can do to protect yourself. Participate in 9/11 Flag Flying ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim Knudsen Please join in this FLY THE FLAG campaign and PLEASE tell your friends.   The Program is this:  On Monday, September 11 th, 2006, an American flag should be displayed outside every home, apartment, office, and store in the United States. Every individual should make it their duty to display an American flag on this fifth anniversary of our country's worst tragedy. We do this in honor of those who lost their lives on 9/11, their families, friends and loved ones who continue to endure the pain, and those who today are fighting at home and abroad to preserve our cherished freedoms. In the days, weeks and months following 9/11, our country was bathed in American flags as citizens mourned the incredible losses and stood shoulder-to-shoulder against terrorism. Sadly, those flags have all but disappeared. Our patriotism pulled us through some tough times and it shouldn't take another attack to galvanize us in solidarity. Our American flag is the fabric of our country and together we can prevail over terrorism of all kinds. Thank you for your participation. God Bless You and God Bless America!   Let's Say Thanks ~ Thanks to Ms. Janet Mapes If you go to this web site, http://www.letssaythanks.com you can pick out a thank you card and Xerox will print it and it will be sent to a soldier that is currently serving in Iraq. You can't pick out who gets it, but it will go to some member of the armed services.  How AMAZING it would be if we could get everyone we know to send one!  This is a great site. Please send a card. It is FREE and it only takes a second.    The Good, The Bad, The Ugly ~ Thanks to Mr. Tracy DeBiaso Good : Your wife is pregnant. Bad : It's triplets. Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago. Good : Your wife's not talking to you. Bad : She wants a divorce. Ugly : She's a lawyer. Good : Your son is finally maturing. Bad : He's involved with the women next door. Ugly : So are you. Good : Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there. Ugly : You're in them. Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. Bad : You can't find your birth control pills. Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them. Good : Your husband understands fashion. Bad : He's a cross-dresser. Ugly : He looks better than you. Good : You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter. Bad : She keeps interrupting. Ugly : With corrections. Good : Your son is dating someone new. Bad : It's another man. Ugly : He's your best friend. Good : Your daughter got a new job. Bad : As a hoooker. Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients. Way ugly : She makes more money than you do.   No Tail Light ~ Thanks to Mr. Richard DeBiaso "How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist. The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan. He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit. "Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious." "It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"   Fortune Teller ~ Thanks to Ms. Florence Pierson A woman goes to visit a fortune-teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering  into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.  "There's no easy way  to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow.   Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.   "Visibly shaken, the woman stares at the fortuneteller's lined face, then at  the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.  She took a few deep  breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.  She met the  fortuneteller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question:   "Will I be found guilty?" Child in Church ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim Knudsen The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly ab out the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"   Dr. Phil and Inner Peace ~ Thanks to Ms. Barbara Jones I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.   By following the simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.   Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished.” So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of white Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's lrish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old pain prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, all of the Kettle chips and a box of chocolates.   You have absolutely no idea how freaking good I feel right now!   Dang, that Dr. Phil is smart!  Lost and Found ~ Thanks to Ms. Sandra Freitas A teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway.  After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.  Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand. "How did you manage to find it, Mom"? the teenager asked. "We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150!" Golfing ~ Thanks to Mr. Richard DeBiaso  Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golf ball. It sat in the same spot. So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle. Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?" Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."  A New twist ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim Knudsen Only a West Virginian could think of this ... from the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Ripley, West Virginia. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar who was obviously so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.   He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!    Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."      Cardiologist ~ Thanks to Ms. Florence Pierson          A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage " Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"     The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.    The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year (a pretty small salary) and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759), when you and I are doing basically the same work?"     The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...    ''Try doing it with the engine running."     Student vs. Stock Broker ~ Thanks to Mr. Richard DeBiaso Deciding to take a day off from his important job, a young hot-shot broker went back to visit some of his professors at his old school. Entering the school, he saw a dog attacking a small child. He quickly jumped on the dog and strangled it. The next day, the local paper reported the story with the headline "Valiant Student Saves Boy From Fearsome Dog." The broker called the editor of the paper and strongly suggested that a correction be issued, pointing out that he was no longer a student, but a successful Wall Street broker. The following day, the paper issued a correction, with a headline that read, "Pompous Stock Broker Kills School Mascot."   The Baptist ~ Thanks to Ms. Florence Pierson & Ms. Juanita Whiteside Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman, born and raised a Baptist, who was living in southern Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a  venison steak. Now all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic ... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays.  The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism.  After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass ... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic." Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped in amazement and watched.  There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, and you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish."  Moses ~ Thanks to Ms. Sandra Freitas Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, and holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?" The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead. The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the President. The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?" The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed. "Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!" Again the pre sident yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him. The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?" The man leaned over and whispered back, "Yes, I am Moses. However, the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East where there is no oil."  Picture of the Week - Thanks to Ms. Linda Jo Bruton and Mr. Jim Knudsen Take a look at this picture and then look again and realize what you're seeing. This photo was taken by a soldier in Afghanistan of a helo rescue mission. The pilot is a PA Guard guy who flies EMS choppers in civilian life. Now how many people on the planet you reckon could set the ass end of a chopper down on the roof top of a shack on a steep mountain cliff and hold it there while soldiers load wounded men in the rear?  If this does not impress you ... nothing ever will. Gives me the chills and a serious case of vertigo ... I can't even imagine having the nerve ... much less the talent and ability ... God Bless our military!   We hope you enjoyed this week's Coffee Break. Your comments and suggestions are always welcome.  If you run across something funny or informative and in good taste we would love to include it with your name and our thanks.  Joanne Joanne L. Gardiner, Broker, e-PRO Realtor Advantage Realty Advantage Mortgage Associates 3205 Whipple Road Union City, California 94587 (510) 429-4800 San Francisco Bay Area  San Francisco East Bay Real Estate web site: http://www.joannegardiner.com     Our primary services on the San Francisco East Bay are:  Alameda County real estate and Contra Costa County real estate: Castro Valley real estate,  Danville real estate, Dublin real estate, Fremont real estate, Hayward real estate, Newark real estate, Oakland real estate, Pleasanton real estate, San Leandro real estate, San Lorenzo real estate, San Ramon real estate, Sunol real estate and Union City real estate.  Types of real estate in which we specialize: houses, condominiums, townhomes, garden homes, PUDs, single family homes, mobile homes, module homes, duets, residential income property, duplexes, tri-plexes, four-plexes, small apartment complexes and special use properties.

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