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~ Coffee Break
72 ~
July 16, 2006 |
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Public
Service Announcement
A tip from a
neighborhood watch coordinator
Sent to us by
Mr. Jim Knudsen
"When someone is trying to
get into your house, or if you hear a noise
outside your house," keep your car keys next to
your bed on the night stand and just press the panic
alarm on your car It will go off from most everywhere
inside your house and keep honking until your
battery runs down or
until you reset it with the
button on the key chain.
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New
Diet
Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I
went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal
of the day. I followed the instructions closely,
dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual
plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was
wonderful - we never even felt hungry!
But when we realized we were gaining weight, not
losing it, I checked the recipes again.
There, in fine print, was: "Serves 6."
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Manners
"Actually if ya think about it, you really don't
need a whole lot of manners if you're driving a 35 ton
truck."
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Moses ~ Thanks to Ms. Florence
Pierson
Moses died and went to heaven. God greets him at
the
Pearly Gates."Are you hungry, Moses?" says
God. "I could eat," Moses replies. So God opens a
can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread
and they share it.
While eating this
humble meal, Moses looks down into Hell and sees
the inhabitants devouring huge steaks,
briskets,
pheasants, pastries and wines.
Curious, but deeply trusting, he remains
quiet.
The next day God again invites him
to join Him for a meal. Again, it is tuna and rye
bread. Once again, Moses can see the denizens of
Hell enjoying salmon, champagne, lamb, truffles and
chocolates. Still he says nothing.
The
following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna
is opened. He can't contain himself any longer.
Meekly, he
says: "God, I am grateful to be in
heaven with You as a reward for the pious,
obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get
to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in the
Other Place they eat like emperors and kings!
I just don't understand."
God sighs.
"Let's be honest," He says. "For just two people, does
it pay to cook?"
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Tough
Kids
Three little boys were
bragging about how tough they were.
"I'm so tough", said the first
boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a
week".
"Well", said the second little
boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a
day".
"That's nothing", said the third
boy. "When my parents take me to see my grandma and
grandpa, I can wear them out in just one hour."
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Golf Balls ~ Thanks to Mr.
Richard DeBiaso
A man entered the bus
with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and
sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging
pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he
said, "It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, the
blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and
finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any
longer, asked "Does it hurt as much as tennis
elbow?"
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Golf Story ~
Thanks to Ms. Florence
Pierson
Moses and Jesus were in
a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the
tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the
fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard.
Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it
rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next,
Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one
directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right
in the centre of the pond and kind of hovered over the
water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped
the ball onto the green.
The third guy got up and
randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence
and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced
off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it
bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled
down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the
fairway and straight toward the aforementioned
pond.
On the way to the pond, the ball hit a
stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad,
where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog
jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his
mouth.
Just then, an eagle
swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away.
As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with
fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into
the cup for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus
and said, "I hate playing with your
Dad."
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A well
planned life ~ Thanks to Ms.
Jan Mapes
Two
women met for the first time since graduating from high
school. One asked the other, "You were always so
organized in school, Did you manage to live a well
planned life? "
'Yes," said her friend. "My
first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second
marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to
a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have
to do with a well planned life?"
"One for the
money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to
go.
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Employee
of the Month ~ Thanks to Ms. Florence
Pierson
The Personnel Manager
said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except
one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this
job."
Mujibar said, "I am
ready"
The manager said, "Make a
sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and
Green."
Mujibar thought for a few
minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am
ready"
The manager said, "Go
ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telep
hone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say,
'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now works as a
technician at a call center for computer problems.
No doubt you have
spoken to him.
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The Pharmacist ~ Thanks to
Mr. Richard DeBiaso
A lady walks into a drug store and tells
the pharmacist she needs
some cyanide. The
pharmacist said, " Why in the world do you need
cyanide"?
The lady then explained she needed it to poison
her husband.
The
pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord
have mercy. I
can't give you cyanide to kill your
husband! That's against the
law! They'll throw both of us
in jail and I'll lose my
license".
Then
the lady reached into her purse and pulled out
a picture of her husband in bed with
the pharmacist's wife and
handed
it to the pharmacist.
The
pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, you didn't
tell me you had a prescription."
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Picture
of the Week - Thanks to Mr. Tracy
DeBiaso
Funny,
very funny! Talking
Cats
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We hope you enjoyed this week's Coffee
Break. Your comments and suggestions
are always welcome. If you run
across something funny or informative and in good
taste we would love
to include it with your name and our
thanks.
Joanne
Joanne L. Gardiner, Broker, e-PRO
Realtor
Advantage
Realty
Advantage Mortgage Associates
3205 Whipple
Road
Union City, California
94587
(510)
429-4800
San Francisco Bay Area
San
Francisco East Bay Real Estate
web
site: http://www.joannegardiner.com
Our primary services on
the San Francisco East Bay
are: Alameda County real
estate and Contra Costa County real estate: Castro
Valley real estate, Danville real
estate, Dublin real estate, Fremont real estate,
Hayward real estate, Newark real estate, Oakland
real estate, Pleasanton real estate, San Leandro
real estate, San Lorenzo real estate, San Ramon
real estate, Sunol real estate and Union
City real estate.
Types of real estate in
which we specialize: houses, condominiums,
townhomes, garden homes, PUDs, single family homes,
mobile homes, module homes,
duets, residential income property, duplexes,
tri-plexes, four-plexes, small apartment complexes
and special use
properties. | |
