|
~ Coffee
Break 71 ~
July 9,
2006 |
|
Coffee Trivia . . .
You might be addicted to coffee if
...
Your T-shirt says, "Give me coffee and no
one gets hurt."
You walk twenty miles on your
treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your home.
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You've ever built a miniature city out of little
plastic stirrers.
You forget to unwrap candy
bars before eating them.
You dip your coffee
cake in coffee.
You carry your coffee cup
into the shower with you in the morning and don't think
that's
unusual.
|
Hmmm!
"What makes airport
security think they can find something in my wife's
purse when she can't?"
|
|
Computers ~ Thanks to Ms.
Barbara Jones
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing
argument about who was better on
the computer. They
had been going at it for days, and frankly God was
tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally
fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am
going to set up a test that will run for two hours,
and from those results, I will judge who does the
better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the
keyboards and typed away.
They
moused.
They faxed.
They
e-mailed.
They e-mailed with
attachments.
They downloaded.
They did
spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They
created labels and cards.
They created charts and
graphs.
They did some genealogy
reports
They did every job known to
man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency, and
Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes
before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of
course, the power went off.
Satan stared at his
blank screen and screamed every curse word known in
the underworld.
Jesus just
sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and
each of them restarted their
computers.
Satan
started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone!
It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went
out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing
out all of his files from the past two hours of
work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How
come he has all his work and I don't have
any?"
God just shrugged and said, Jesus
Saves.
|
|
Einstein
Burger
"Have
you been to that new 'Einstein Burger' yet?"
"Why yes I have."
"How was it?"
"Relatively good."
|
|
Three Little Pigs ~ Thanks to Mr. Richard
DeBiaso
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.
The waiter came and took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little
piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little
piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the
third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took
their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second
piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the
third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the
waiter approached the table
and asked if the piggies would like any
dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first
piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second
piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer,"
exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the
third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered beer
all evening?"
You're gonna LOVE me for this
...
The third piggy says, "Well, somebody has to
go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"
|
|
Hmmm!
"Why is it that our
children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in
prison?"
|
|
Cat Heaven ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim
Knudsen
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met
her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all
these years. Anything you want is yours for the
asking."
The cat thought for a minute and
then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on
hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to
sleep on."
God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had
a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed
in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God
met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He
made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have
had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even
people with brooms! If we could just have some little
roller skates, we would not have to run again."
God answered, "It is done." All
the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check
on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy
pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is
everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you
happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL.
I have never been so happy in my life The pillow is so
fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been
sending over are delicious!"
|
|
"Tired and
Thirsty"
Three
students are leaving their last classes of the
day.
The law student is thinking, "I'm tired and
thirsty. I must have coffee."
The english student
is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have
latte."
The medical student is thinking, "I'm
tired and thirsty. I must have
diabetes."
|
|
The 5% ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim
Knudsen
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all
of the rascally behavior that was going on. So God
called one of the angels and sent an angel to Earth for
a time.
When the angel returned he went to God
and said, "Yes, it's true. The earth is in
decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being
good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to
E-Mail the 5% who were being good, because he wanted to
encourage them...give them a little something to help
them keep going.
Do you know what the E-Mail
said?
Okay, just wondering; I didn't get one
either ...
|
|
Customer
Service
Featured
Illustration items are well suited for introducing or
illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional.
Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of
them is the point you make with them.
After booking my 80-year-old grandmother
on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline
to go over her special needs. The representative
listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an
attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and
impaired vision to the point of near
blindness.
My
apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me
that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her
profusely.
"Oh, you're
welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she
cheerfully asked, ... "And will your grandmother need a
rental car?"
|
|
Parrot
Prayers
Jenny goes to Father Milcahy one day and tells
him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female
parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they
say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi,
we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's
obscene!" the good father exclaimed.
Then he thought
for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a
solution to your problem. I have two male talking
parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
"Bring your two
parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage
with Frank and Bob.
"My parrots can
teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your
parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you,"
Jenny responded. "This may very well be the solution."
The next day,
she brought her female parrots to Father Milcahy's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male
parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and
praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her
parrots in with them.
After a few
minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi,
we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a
stunned silence.
Shocked, one
male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and
exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have
been
answered!" |
|
Picture
of the Week - Thanks to Ms. Linda Jo
Bruton
Linda writes: This is
one of the coolest things I have seen. This woman
is incredibly talented. Watching it is almost
hypnotizing. You can watch it without sound but
hearing the music adds to its impact. Hope you
enjoy it.
Just Imagine - Sand
Artist
|
|
We hope you enjoyed this week's Coffee
Break. Your comments and suggestions
are always welcome. If you run
across something funny or informative and in good
taste we would love
to include it with your name and our
thanks.
Joanne
Joanne L. Gardiner, Broker, e-PRO
Realtor
Advantage
Realty
Advantage Mortgage Associates
3205 Whipple
Road
Union City, California
94587
(510)
429-4800
San Francisco Bay Area
San
Francisco East Bay Real Estate
web
site: http://www.joannegardiner.com
Our primary services on the San
Francisco East Bay are: Alameda County real estate and
Contra Costa County real estate: Castro Valley real
estate, Danville real estate, Dublin real
estate, Fremont real estate, Hayward real estate, Newark
real estate, Oakland real estate, Pleasanton real
estate, San Leandro real estate, San Lorenzo real
estate, San Ramon real estate, Sunol real
estate and Union City real estate.
Types of real estate in
which we specialize: houses, condominiums,
townhomes, garden homes, PUDs, single family homes,
mobile homes, module homes,
duets, residential income property, duplexes,
tri-plexes, four-plexes, small apartment complexes
and special use
properties. | |
