Coffee Break 115 Hi Friends, Where is this year going?  Why is it going so fast?  Some say it is because we are busy trying to choose candidates. Others say we are pre-occupied with the economy and pinching pennies. I know a few folks who are spending more time down on their knees praying the company they work for doesn't close and give the jobs to a foreign country.  My accountant friend says everyone is worried about how they are going to pay their taxes.  I don’t know about you, but that “Alternate Minimum Tax” formula just seems a way the government dreamed up to make darn sure they squeeze every dime out of us possible.  I am concerned about what I am not hearing.  I just loved hearing clients tell me "I just got a raise and can now afford to buy a bigger home."  Oh, how I miss those words.  Not because they put money in my pocket in the form of a commission, but more importantly because hearing phrases like that tells me things are well with American workers.  And when American workers are doing well, so does the country as a whole.  This brings me to what I am hoping you can help me with.  I am on the hunt for some good news, news that will bolster us, news that will relax that awful knot in our collective stomachs.  If you have some good news, share it with us.  I will post your words with your name and our thanks.  Just send it to me on the Contact Joanne form. Take care, stay in touch, and hold good thoughts, ~ Joanne    Public Service Announcements Upcoming Tax Rebate Explained ~ Thanks to Ms. Barbara Jones This is a great explanation of the tax rebate program recently enacted by Congress. If you don't understand how it will work maybe this explanation will help: 50,000 people went to a baseball game, but the game was rained out.  A refund was then due to the ticket holders. The team was about to mail refunds when a group of Congressional Democrats stopped them and suggested that they send out the ticket refunds based on the Democrat National Committee's interpretation of fairness. Originally the refunds were to be paid based on the price each person had paid for the tickets. Unfortunately that meant most of th e refund money would be going to the ticket holders that had purchased the most expensive tickets. This, according to the DNC, is considered totally unfair. A decision was then made to pay out the refunds in this manner: People in the $10 seats will get back $15. After all, they have less money to spend on tickets to begin with. Call it an 'Earned Income Ticket Credit.' Persons 'earn' it by having few skills, poor work habits, and low ambition, thus keeping them at entry-level wages. People in the $25 seats will get back $25, because it 'seems fair.' P eople in the $50 seats will get back $1, because they already make a lot of money and don't need a refund. After all, if they can afford a $50 ticket, they must not be paying enough taxes. People in the $75 luxury box seats will each have to pay an additional $25 because it's the 'right thing to do'. People walking past the stadium that couldn't afford to buy a ticket for the game each will get a $10 refund, even though they didn't pay anything for the tickets. They need the most help. They are either lazy or think that society owes them for just being born. Sometimes this is known as Affirmative Action. Now do you understand? If not, contact Representative Nancy Pelosi, Senator Ted Kennedy or Senator Hillary Clinton for assistance. Daylight Savings Time!  ~ Thanks to Ms. Florence Pierson Wouldn't  Benjamin Franklin have been surprised - or perhaps amused -  to see what the future would hold for one of his ideas, while visiting Paris in 1784. He surely would have wondered why it would take the U.S. to long to adopt it. How do you know when it's Daylight Saving Time? You're so sleepy that you can't get up & you jump out of bed -  thinking you have overslept! You stagger to the bathroom and fall over the dog that's still sound asleep. You feel exhausted (and will for weeks) even though you missed only one hour’s sleep. Your computer clock sets itself ahead, but you forget and set it ahead again. The timer on the coffee pot isn't set right and there is no coffee. You try to fix the clock on the microwave and set the timer instead – and you wonder why a microwave needs a clock anyhow? You decide this is really all a secret plot by "morning people"  to get "night people" out of bed earlier. The clock in your car has the right time for the first time since last October. You arrive for church an hour late - just as everyone else is leaving. At the office on Monday, all the clocks say 7 a.m. so you put your head on your desk and wake up later to find that the clocks were all wrong. Half the office arrives an hour late, saying they forgot to change the clock. You secretly wonder why they did not arrive an hour early in October. You take a two hour lunch break and say you forgot to change your wristwatch  ("getting even time.") You have an extra hour of light in the evening – just enough time to mow the lawn. The timer is wrong on the VCR, so you don't get the last hour of the movie you were recording – but you don’t notice it until after you’ve watched the first half. You decide to reset the time on "singing bird clock" It starts singing and won’t shut up until you remove the batteries. It’s dinner time according to the clock, but you are not hungry – yet. You go to bed at your regular time, but you’re not sleepy yet, so you stay up an extra hour. You wonder where all the energy is that we are conserving, because you sure could use some of it. You consider moving to Arizona where they don’t participate in this nonsense. I know a blonde who sets her smoke alarm forward. Here is some good news for those who dislike having D.S.T. forced upon them: Switching to D.S.T. causes problems for many terrorists, because they have to set their time bombs ahead one hour. (Poor babies!)    Coffee Break Features... Americans ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim Ward When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush. He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return. It became very quiet in the room. ~~~ Then there was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?' A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 5,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck.. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?' Once again, dead silence. ~~~ A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, 'whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?' Without hesitating, the America n Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.' You could have heard a pin drop ~~~ A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France !" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any damn Frenchmen to show it to." Britian's Got Talent ~ Thanks to Ms. Linda Jo Bruton Damon Scott & Bubbles -- This is great!  This one actually made Simon Cowl laugh. Damon Scott & Bubbles   National Parks ~ Thanks to Ms. Florence Pierson This is a truly beautiful web site and will take your breath away.  Turn on some sound, pretty music in the background.  My Beautiful America    Man's Best Friend ~ Thanks to Ms. Linda Jo Bruton A dog is truly a man's best friend.  If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk,  see who is really happy to see you?   Touche ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim Knudsen A U.S. Navy cruiser was anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner: Dear Captain: Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews please." At 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four smiling black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake." "No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."   Windex ~ Thanks to Ms. Sandra Freitas New use for Windex.  I haven't checked 'snopes.com' to see if this actually works or not, but they say if you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked, you should drink some Windex first. It'll keep you from streaking.   The Wife From Hell ~ Thanks to Mr. Richard DeBiaso A police officer pulls over a speeding car.  The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per  hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:"Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dam it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.  That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on.  You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks,  "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" "Only when he's been drinking." Summer Olympics ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim Ward President Felipe Calderón of Mexico has announced Mexico will not participate in the next Summer Olympics.  He stated, "Casi cada uno que puede fun cionar, saltar, o la nadada ha salido ya del país."    Translation: "Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country" Quickies ~ Thanks to Ms. Florence Pierson Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?" ----- A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine" ----- Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." ----- A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids." ----- An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to     tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife." ----- This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink." ----- Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.  He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, Grandpa." He replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole" afterwards".   Hair too long ~ Thanks to Ms. Sandra Freitas A young man had just gotten his driver's permit and asked his father if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father said he would make a deal with him, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, and decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed upon it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. Your grades are up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm really disappointed you didn't get your hair cut." The young man paused a moment then said, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed, through my studies of the Bible, that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair." To this his father replied, "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"   Teacher ~ Thanks to Ms. Florence Pierson Are you sick of high paid teachers? Teachers' hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they only work 9 or 10 months a year! It's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do - baby sit! We can get that for less than minimum wage. That's right. Let's give them $3.00 an hour and only the hours they worked; not any of that silly planning time, or any time they spend before or after school.  That would be $19.50 a day (7:45 to 3:00 PM with 45 min. off for lunch and planning period ... that equals 6 1/2 hours). Each parent should pay $19.50 a day for these teachers to baby-sit their children.  Now how many do they teach in day ... maybe 30?  So that's $19.50 x 30 = $585.00 a day.  However, remember they only work 180 days a year!!! I am not going to pay them for any vacations.  LET'S SEE... That's $585 X 180= $105,300 per year (hold on! My calculator needs new batteries). What about those special education teachers and the ones with Master's degrees?  Well, we could pay them minimum wage ($7.75), and just to be fair, round it up to $8.00 an hour.  That would be $8 X 6 1/2 hours X 30 children X 180 days = $280,800 per year. Wait a minute... there's something wrong here!  There sure is!  The average teacher's salary (nation wide) is $50,000.  So $50,000/180 days = $277.77/per day/30 students=$9.25/6.5 hours = $1.42 per hour per student... a very inexpensive baby sitter and they even EDUCATE your children! WHAT A DEAL!   Featured Pictures  ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim Knudsen Antarctica frozen Wave.  This is amazing!  The water froze the instant the wave broke through the ice. That's what it is like in Antarctica where it is the coldest weather in decades. Water freezes the instant it comes in contact with the air. The temperature of the water is already some degrees below freezing.  Just look at how the wave froze in midair! Before you go, remember your comments, suggestions, and contributions are always welcome. When you come across something funny or informative and in good taste, please send it along.  I would love to include it with your name and our thanks.  I leave you to ponder these golden words a good friend shared with me:  "The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything that comes along their way." Be happy and and come back soon. ~ Joanne Joanne L. Gardiner, Broker e-PRO Realtor® Serving the San Francisco Bay Area since Fido was a pup! Advantage Realty Clock Tower Commerce Center 3205 Whipple Road Union City, California 94587 (510) 429-4800   Our primary services in the San Francisco Bay Area are: East bay real estate,  Hayward real estate, Castro Valley real estate,  Danville real estate,  Dublin real estate,  Fremont real estate,  Newark real estate, Niles real estate, Pleasanton real estate, San Leandro real estate, San Lorenzo real estate, San Ramon real estate, Sunol real estate and Union City real estate.  The types of real estate in which we specialize are:  houses, homes, condominiums, townhomes, garden homes, PUDs, single family homes, manufactured homes, mobile homes, modular homes, duets, residential income property, duplexes, tri-plexes, four-plexes, small apartment complexes and special use properties. 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