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July 8, 2007
~ Next
update: July 22nd
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| Pulic Service Announcements
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New
Invention ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim Knudsen
A really cool new product
for anyone and everyone! Seeing is
believing!
See the Toto
Washlet
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Large
Review of 20 Years of Studies Concludes:
Two Cups of
Coffee Daily Cuts Risk of Liver Cancer
The
Story
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July
10, 2007 
Scooby
Animal ID:
41767
Age: 1 year
Weight: 24 lbs.
Sex: Neutered Male
Scooby is
my name – and I'm a scrumptious blend of butterscotch
and cream – in short, a delectable canine confection!
With my sparkling eyes, incandescent smile, and
meltingly sweet personality, I capture the hearts of
everyone I meet. And, did I mention that I just LOVE to
luxuriate in a warm lap? If there is a lap handy, I WILL
be in it. Now, I must tell you that I like to have the
spotlight all to myself, and I don't care to have any
other dogs around to upstage me. Come to think of it,
I'm not that fond of cats horning in on my act either.
If you have the perfect home – and perfect lap – where I
can be the ONLY dog in your heart, then please come
scoop me up today (and add a huge splash of sparkle and
sweetness
to your life!)
Jo Jo
Animal ID:
44367
Age: 9 years
Weight: 30 lbs.
Sex:
Neutered Male
My name is Jo Jo – and I'm just a
jolly jester! Just look at me grinning from ear to ear.
(Now, some say I sort of resemble Jack Nicholson as “The
Joker,” but I just can't help lighting up like a lantern
when I see my favorite people!) As you can also see – if
you're not too blinded by my dazzling smile, that is –
I'm a teeny bit on the pleasingly plump side. (Anyone
looking for a diet buddy?) I just love to splash around
in the wading pool – I guess I'm a happy little otter at
heart. I have a zest for life and a huge heart…and I
just can't wait to share my love AND my droll sense of
humor with you! Let's embark on some comic capers
together!
Topaz
Animal ID:
43364
Age: 8 years
Weight: 11 lbs.
Sex:
Spayed Female
Hello there, I’m
Topaz. I’m a mature kitty with a soft fluffy coat and
gorgeous green eyes, and I’d love for you to take me
home! Think of me as the Mae West of the cat world. I’m
a bit sassy but have lots of love to share, and I’m
looking for an adult-only home or a home with kids 13 or
over. I prefer your admiration and loving gaze over too
much petting, so if you simply want a kitty who’ll be
great company but won’t be desperate for your attention,
I’m the one. So, look for the torti gal with gorgeous
green eyes. That’s me, Topaz.
Adopt-A-Pet
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Humane
Society of Silicon Valley Needs Your Help
Their Goal: To
promote value and respect for animal life by connecting
people and pets through education and
technology.
We need the
following items:
- Wellness Canned kitten food
- Royal Canin Baby Cat and Kitten dry food
- Collars (martingales especially)
 Leashes Kongs (all sizes)
- Plastic crates (sll sizes)
- Kitty toys and wands
- Kitty beds
- Ceramic kitty bowls
- Soft dog treats
- Heating pads
- Zoo Med reptile light bulbs
- Heat Lamps
- Bath wipes
- Dog toys
- Shoe boxes
- Dog beds
- Kitty litter boxes
- Litter scoops
- Beastie Band brand kitty collars (safe for
kittens)
- Cat scratchers
- Nylabones
- KMR kitten formula
- Crazy Circle toys for cats
Other items needed:
- AA batteries for our digital cameras and walkie
talkies
- Dog collars (all sizes)
- Strawberry baskets for nesting wildlife in our
care
For an extended list of Wish List items visit http://www.hssv.org/donate_wish.html
All donations are tax
deductible. Ask for a reciept at the front
desk. Or mail your donations to: Humane
Society Silicon Valley, 2530 Lafayette St.
Santa
Clara 95050
For more information Contact at
shelter: Beth Ward (408) 727-3383 ext. 858
beth.ward@hssv.org
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Now, this weeks
Goodies ... |
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CNN in the Air ~ Thanks to Ms. Barbara
Jones
A photographer for CNN was assigned to cover
southern California 's
Wildfires last year. He wanted pictures of the heroic
work the firefighters were doing as they battled the
blazes. When the photographer arrived on the
scene, he realized that the smoke was so thick it would
seriously impede, or even make
impossible, his
getting good photographs from the ground
level.
He requested permission from his boss to
rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request
was approved & he used his cell phone to call the
local county airport to charter a flight. He was told a
single engine plane would be waiting for him at the
airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a
plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his
bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go."
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind
and roared down the runway. Once in the air, the
photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the
valley and make two or three Low passes so I can
take some pictures of the fires on the hillsides."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm a photographer for CNN," he
responded. "I need to get some close-up
shots."
The pilot was strangely silent for a
moment, finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling
me, is you're NOT my flight instructor?"
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Maxine on
Consultants ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim
Knudsen
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Not Happy ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim
Ward
I rear ended a
car a few days ago ... The driver got out of the other
car, and he was a DWARF.
He was
pissed!
He looked up at
me and said, "I am NOT happy!"
I said, "Then
which one are you?"
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Senior Pie Chart ~
Thanks to Ms. Barbara
Jones
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Talent ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim
Knudsen
A very talented
6 year old!
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Life After
Death, Maybe ~ Thanks to Mr. John
Lopez
BLESSED ARE THE
CRACKED
FOR THEY LET IN
THE LIGHT
A couple made a deal that whomever died first would
come back and inform the other of the
afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was
no afterlife.
After a long life together, the husband was the
first to die. True to his word he made contact, "Connie
... Connie."
"Is that you, Joe?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have
breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I
have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and
then have sex a couple of more times. Then I
have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens)
another romp around the golf course, then pretty much
have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper,
it's back to golf course again! Then it's more sex
until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep
and then the next day it starts all over
again."
"Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!"
"Not exactly ... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in
Arizona."
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Married Girls
Night Out ~ Thanks to Mr. Richard
DeBiaso
The other night I was invited out for a night with
"the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by
midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went
down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I
headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the
hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. quickly, realizing
my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9
times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with
such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a
possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed
... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12
cuckoos, MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what
time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't
seem upset at all.
Whew! Got away with that one.
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I
asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock
cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. shit!" cuckooed 4
more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3
times, giggled, cuckooed twice more and then tripped
over the coffee table.
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Pretty wild,
huh? ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim
Knudsen
AMAZING
SIGHT IN THE SOUTH PACIFIC
In
August 2006, the yacht 'Maiken' is travelling in the
south Pacific when they came across a weird sight... It
was sand in the water, and floating ON TOP of the
waves...
Tonga
volcanic eruption seen by yacht crew 08
Nov 2006, 18:07
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Polish
Divorce ~
Thanks to Ms. Barbara
Jones
A Polish man moved to the USA and
married an American girl. Although his English was
far from perfect, they got along very well until one day
he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if
he could arrange a divorce for him.
The
lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on
the circumstances, and asked him the following
questions:
"Have you any
grounds?"
"Yes, an acre and half and nice
little home."
"No, I mean what is the foundation
of this case?"
"It made of
concrete."
"I don't think you understand. Do
either of you have a real grudge?"
"No, we
have carport, and not need one."
"I mean. What
are your relations like?"
"All my relations still
in Poland."
"Is there any infidelity in your
marriage?"
"We have hi-fidelity stereo and good
DVD player."
"Does your wife beat you
up?"
"No, I am always up before her."
"Why
do you want this divorce?"
"She going to kill
me."
"What makes you think that?"
"I got
proof."
"What kind of proof?"
"She going
to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put
on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it
says 'Polish Remover.
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Pun of The Year ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim
Ward
Get Ready.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked
barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive
set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made
him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath.
This made him (Oh, man, this is so
bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic
hexed by halitosis.
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Dear
Wife ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim Knudsen
Dear
Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell
you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man
to you for seven years and I have nothing to show
for it. These last two weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell
me that you quit your job today and that was the last
straw.
Last week, you
came home and didn't even notice that I had a new
haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a
brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two
minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all
of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me
anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us
as husband and wife. Either you're cheating
on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the
case, I'm gone.
Signed
Your
Ex-Husband
P.S. Don't try to
find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away
to West Virginia together! Have a great
life!
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Dear
Ex-Husband:
Nothing has made my day
more than receiving your letter. It's true
that you and I have been married for seven years,
although a good man is a far cry from what you've
been. I watch my soaps so much because they
drown out your constant whining and griping.
Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week,
but the first thing that came to mind was "You look just
like a girl!" Since my mother raised me not
to say anything if you can't say something nice, I
didn't comment . And when you cooked my favorite
meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY
SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away
from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them,
and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister
had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt
that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for
ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two
tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you
were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I
hope you have the fulfilling life you always
wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote
ensures you won't get a dime from me. So
take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife,
Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if
I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.
I hope that's not a problem.
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Maxine on Gas ~ Thanks to
Mr. Jim Knudsen
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Water vs Wine ~ Thanks to Ms. Roberta
Notrangelo
In a number of carefully controlled trials,
scientists have demonstrated
that as we drink 1 liter of water
daily, by the end of each year we have
absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli,
(E. coli) bacteria found
in feces. In other words, we are
potentially consuming 1 kilo
(2.2lbs)
of feces annually.
However, we do NOT run that risk when
drinking wine, beer, or liquor
because alcohol must go through the
purification process of boiling, and/or
fermenting and filtering. The formula
is: Water = Poop, Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink booze and talk
stupid, than to drink water
and be full of poop.
But then ... we already knew that, didn't
we?
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| Pictures of the Week ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim
Knudsen |
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Septic Tank
Sign
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Before you go, remember your
comments, suggestions, and
contributions are
always welcome. When you come across
something funny or informative and in good taste,
please send it along. I would love to include
it with your name and our thanks.
I leave you to ponder what a good
friend of mine shared with me:
"The happiest of people don't
necessarily have the best of everything;
they just
make the best of everything that comes along their way."
Make it a good week, be happy and and come
back soon.
Joanne
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Joanne L. Gardiner,
Broker e-PRO Realtor®
Serving the San Francisco Bay
Area
since Fido was a pup!
Advantage
Realty
Clock Tower Commerce
Center
3205 Whipple
Road
Union City, California 94587
(510)
429-4800
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Our primary services in
the San Francisco Bay Area are: East
bay real estate, Hayward real
estate, Castro Valley real estate, Danville
real estate, Dublin real estate, Fremont real
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